Validation

I have a wonderful friend who is kinda like a modern Prov. 31 superwoman.  She's friendly and connects with people of all ages.  She's prayerful and wise and humble.  She's nurturing and invested in relationships.  She keeps her house perfectly clean and when she finds that she has low energy, she listens to history courses on tape as she rests on the couch.  And since triathlons are not really pregnancy material, she's walked 8 miles most days of her 1st pregnancy to get to and from daily Mass.  The interesting thing is, she's human.  And I have a sneaking suspicion, she might not actually be practically perfect (that's what she says anyhow), though I haven't caught her at it yet.

But today, this beautiful new mother admitted, "I totally underestimated labor!"  And I felt validated, because I think pushing a kid out of your body is pretty tough too, maybe even tougher than a triathlon, but I've never done one to find out..  But, I've done the labor thing three times.

Why is it that a strange part of us feels validated by seeing the weaknesses of others?  Perhaps I'm just a really prideful person.  C.S. Lewis says in his book The Four Loves that even seeing yourself as weak (what might be termed "bad self-esteem") is actually a form of twisted pride because you claim you should be at a certain level but for mitigating circumstances (excuses), when reality is different.  Maybe, I want other people to be weak in ways that I have been weak; I want my idols to fall to my level.  But I think all of that is something else--jealousy.

I think that there can be another source to this emotion that is neither pride nor jealousy.  It's a feeling of validation as a result of empathy.  This communication between souls is less about where one falls in a hierarchy of ability or value and much more about someone saying, "I've walked in your shoes  and the toes pinched me too."  Our pains are now understood.  And while understanding doesn't infuse more value into our suffering, it lessens the burden.  Often times when we suffer, we feel as though the challenge of suffering is exacerbated by the pain of misunderstanding and isolation.  Or, if we can find someone who understands, that person still may not be the person whom we want and need to understand and empathize.

Our society often treats pain in one of two ways: Be loud about it and get some recompense for the ways you've been victimized, or be quiet and grit your teeth and bear it.  I'd propose a third way.  Be honest without whining.  This summer, I have to be honest with my husband when I've pushed my body too far post-partum and need to rest.  But telling him every symptom and every frustration is far from helpful.  (That doesn't mean that I don't do that too on occasion...)  Sometimes your honesty can help another person or can get you help.  For instance, I asked another new mom yesterday how life was with her new little one.  She offered a tired smile and said, "Hard."  That led to a short conversation about babies with colic, and hopefully, she now has a few helpful tips and the knowledge that her baby is not the only one who thinks the evening should be a waking nightmare.  She didn't wallow in self-pity, but she was honest enough to get help.

Christ encouraged his leaders to serve (Matthew 20:16, John 13:14-17), and on the flip side, he encouraged those in lesser positions to lead and speak up (1 Tim 4:12).  It's within this joyful dynamic of service and communication that we learn and grow.  It is in reaching out to others with honesty and humility that we are best able to be effective in touching hearts and in receiving love.  (Hint: the receiving part is just as important as the giving part!!!) 

Christ became like us in all things but sin so that we would not just feel validated but be validated.  His sufferings actually did make our sufferings more valuable because we can unite them with His Sacrifice (Col 1:24).  In so far as we unite our daily joys and sufferings to His action, they can have infinite value.  And in His creation and salvation of us, we find our ultimate validation and worth.

Our world craves validation.  Facebook likes and comments, tweets and tumblr posts that trend and go viral, publication and re-blogs, pinterest followers, imgur points...  I read lots of Christian posts saying that we should reject these "fake" ways of affirming others and find our value in Christ alone.  I won't contest the ultimate truth of that statement.  But sometimes we also need to consider our role as Christ's workers in the vineyard.  Do we just help prune branches or do we fertilize as well?  We can be good at validating others by "liking" things they do and by complementing them (at varying levels of sincerity).  But do we affirm people by joining them in the good things they do, by letting them know when we share struggles in common, by allowing them to help us when we're weak, and by offering them any wisdom we've gleaned from a common experience?  I know--that stuff takes time, attention, effort, sacrifice, and humility.  "Liking" something on facebook takes none of those virtues.  But I notice that those who are surrounded by a community and family who validate and invest in these more essential ways do not struggle as much with the insecurities and social media addictions that plague the rest of our society.

To my dear friend: Thanks for admitting that labor was hard.  You may have thought it an admission of weakness, but your humility is one of your strengths.  That virtue will make you a wonderful mother.  And meanwhile, you left me feeling affirmed in my own vocation--not just because we both know it's hard, but because we both also know it's WORTH it.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (RSV) 
Three times I besought the Lord about this, that it should leave me;  but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

 

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Babies and Bombs: Bringing Out the Best in People

After a tragedy, there's always the balm of human charity and unity in the face of danger.  For every myopic idiot who waits outside an electronics store during a tornado in hopes of loot, there are 100 previously unknown neighbors who reach out to help each other remove tree limbs from driveways.  And somewhere, someone seems to hit the front page by heroically risking his or her life to save a puppy from violent acts of God, man, nature, or fate.

In fact, occasionally it strikes me that the only time we see authentic selflessness lauded in the public square is after a tragedy.  I begin to wonder if it's because people are too absorbed playing Angry Birds or something to see others and their needs.  Or maybe tragedy just brings out the best in people.

But, I was reminded recently that people are selfless and generous when they see something of value, something rare and unrepeatable, something that reminds them of the beauty of human life.  If our modern society lacks generosity, it may be because we no longer value anything.  There are no altars greater than our own selves before which we wish to offer homage.

And then I have a baby--my third.  And I dare to take the whole troop of these munchkins into public before the peanut is even 2 weeks old.  And I discover that the world that seems to want to contracept itself out of existence, the world that fears the responsibility of parenting a little being that is possibly more self-centered and temperamental than ourselves, is in awe of an infant.  Shopping anywhere takes me twice as long as before, not necessarily because of the extra little person in tow, but because of the adoration of the "wise men" of our world.  They stop in droves to adore my little one.  I feel a small touch of what Mary must have felt when the magi came and offered their gifts.  I'm overwhelmed by humble gratitude that this little one I received as a great gift to me can also by her very presence be a great gift to others.  She is a little sign of hope and peace (most of the time).

And so the Trader Joe's staff rush to give me free flowers (seriously, two of them at the same time), and the soap guy at the farmer's market gives me a free tub of shea butter for baby's delicate skin and mine.  Even guys at my husband's work sent gift cards our way.  My house has more flowers than a funeral parlor from people at my church, because people realize that the beginning of a life is just as significant as the end of one.  Our sweet smells, plastic gold, and precious ointments may not be quite the magi's gifts, but I think they carry similar sentiments.

I also recognize that many new moms do not receive this sort of outpouring of support.  It's a shame they don't.  They deserve it; the beauty of new life deserves it.  Similarly, not all communities demonstrate a proper value response to a tragedy. This neglect is not the result of human lives actually losing value, but of human hearts that have failed to see the value present in the hearts around them.

Some days my zealous self feels that I don't do enough and say enough to bolster our culture and our national sense of justice and goodness.  And other days, like today, I realize that sometimes the great work of cultural revival is as simple as taking my children to the grocery store.  Being is more important than doing after all.  And our presence is a greater gift than any tirade I can deliver to the deaf masses.

This Memorial Day, I challenge you to come together with family to celebrate the lives that have passed in heroic self-sacrifice for something those men and women valued--your life.  You can pay their gift forward daily by affirming the beauty of the lives around you and by sacrificing for the well being of strangers and family alike.  Our soldiers fight for our freedom--the freedom to do as we ought and to be the best we can be.  Live up to the hope they had in you.

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Advent: Celebration or Preparation?

When John the Baptist told the crowds (and us) to repent and prepare the way of the Lord, what did he mean? What sort of preparation did Mary & Joseph, did John the Baptist, and did the world need for their first meetings with the Incarnate Lord?

Mary prepared her heart by saying “yes.” This is increasingly what I have learned to understand about the gift of Faith. It is a giant, all-inclusive YES to the will of God--a yes to freedom, a yes to a super-natural calling, a yes to celebration in love. Did she have to give some things up in order to accept the calling to be the Mother of God? Of course. It’s not like massive miscommunication with her fiancee (initially) and her community, a trip on a donkey while pregnant, a birth in a stable, and a flight to Egypt to save the life of her Son were really the desired life-course for a young woman like her. Yet, she was the recipient and first love of the most perfect gift ever given by God to mankind. And the rest was hardly consequential when compared to that gift, that freedom, that love.

How did John the Baptist prepare? He became an anchorite. He separated himself from the world to prepare through penance and prayer. But this does not mean that he was bitter against the world itself--he saw the world and mankind in the light of hope as something worth saving, as something only in need of a greater openness so that it might shed the shackles of the inconsequential to run into the embrace of God. He, like many of the great prophets that came before him and the hermits that followed in his footsteps, was always a man in the service of charity and truth. He accepted the men who flocked to see him and he gave them the greatest gift he could, the gifts of truth and hope. In order to attract the priests, the people, and even the attention of Herod, he could not have been a man who merely spit out curses and condemned their every action. His purity and charity must have been the sort C. S. Lewis described once as burning in its clarity of vision and yet powerfully attractive. John was set apart for a time, but only to return to the world and give it a truer purpose and an invitation to deeper relationship with God their Father and His Son.

And what did John say the people must do to prepare? We saw early in Luke that the shepherds and wise men had only to go about their daily work and respond generously and joyfully when called. John is sent to “bring back many of the sons of Israel to the Lord their God, ushering in his advent in the spirit and power of an Elias. He shall unite the hearts of all, the fathers with the children, and teach the disobedient the wisdom that makes men just, preparing for the Lord a people fit to receive him” (Lk 1). Here we are given a string of positive images--people reuniting with God and each other and lessons about justice and morality for the wayward. There is no harshness or mention of great fasting and penance, like in the days of Jonah. Zachary’s prophetic canticle about his son echoes this great note of hope. John himself speaks plenty of times about the destruction that will come upon those who refuse to change, but his message is always to choose the good and to open oneself humbly to the Lord. The coming of the Lord will be a grand celebration for those who accept Him.

As we approach our own Advent, I am often surprised to see a strange conflict between the nature of our preparation as Catholics and the attitudes that seem to me to be most proper to a preparation for celebration.

First, I see some Catholics and Christians denouncing anything related to Christmas until December 25th. They cry: the stores are materialistic, the decorations and songs are premature or emphasizing the materialism, the parties are out of line, the gift-giving is stressful and all consuming, Santa is a distraction or an evil substitution for the real reason for the season, etc. Is there some truth in this? Absolutely, but I think that this approach is less than helpful.

Others self-righteously proclaim, “As Orthodox we fast for 40 days before Advent,” or “We don’t talk about Santa in our home,” or “I just try to stay away from it all until Christmas.” Perhaps they see themselves as a sort of John the Baptist, hiding in the desert until the proper time. I think many have good intentions, but when you lead with your sacrifices as the first topic of how you prepare to celebrate Christmas, it’s like leading into Thanksgiving dinner talking about how many hours you scrubbed the house and cooked for your guests before you launch into what you’re Thankful for. Sacrifice is meant to be the quiet action of love, not the clanging gong of moral superiority to welcome in the holiday.

A final group pre-games the holidays somewhat guiltily. “Well, I really like Christmas music and they don’t play it during the real Christmas season.” “I think the parties are nice, even if it is Advent.” “I have to shop on Black Friday because otherwise I can’t afford all the gifts and then it means I can rest a little more during December, which is the real Advent season after all.”

I think the first group is missing the Marian preparation. They are so frustrated and tired saying “no” to the little things, that they struggle to be truly enthusiastic about their “yes.” Focus on Advent within your family and within your Church. Light Advent wreaths and set up a nativity (sans Baby Jesus), reintroduce regular Confession and family prayer if those things have gotten a little lax throughout the year, refocus on your priorities as an individual and family, invest in relationships (remember all that uniting the hearts of fathers and children stuff from Luke?), serve others who are less fortunate, and use an Advent calendar. You can choose the level of peace that your family needs to celebrate and prepare properly. The world is not your master. Say no to a few things that stress you out, and say YES over and over to the things that are most important to you and that support the priorities that are foremost in your life. Personally, I think parties fit in just fine. Mary didn’t halt Elizabeth mid-greeting and tell her that she wasn’t going to celebrate Jesus’ coming until after the 9 months were over. She joined in Elizabeth’s joy at the expectation of the Lord. She served Elizabeth’s needs, but she returned in time to join Joseph in their journey to Bethlehem. Relationships were important to Mary, and service, practical details, and even legal requirements all found their place in her preparation under the guiding light of her love of God and of her family.

To those struggling to make Advent penitential enough, relax a little. You will bring no one to the Christ Child with you if you focus too much on the law and neglect the spirit of the law that gives your fasts and privations their meaning and joy. I won’t condemn any one sort of preparation, and I heartily affirm all who make Confession and a true Examination of Conscience a priority at this time. But remember that the desert recluses who changed society did so because they sought to change themselves first and then serve others in charity next. Find positive ways to prepare too. A priest once told me that Lent is a great time to give something up for 40 days, and Advent is a great time to add something spiritual into your routine. We do not have a loss to mourn in this season, only a birth to expect. Do not let your face and voice be that of one who fretfully expects a miscarriage if you are not rigorous enough in your discipline; Christ IS coming. Prepare in joy and humility to accept a gift that can never be deserved “enough.”

To my last group of guilt-driven “Jingle Bell” singers, I think there is a reason Christ said so many times, “Be not afraid.” Choose your Advent preparations with care and intentionality, but don’t be afraid to be joyful a little with the world. Our world is full of lack of meaning. It has lost the sense of a true meaning of Christmas, but it still feels a yearning to rejoice in something. Changes of the season and innocent holiday traditions like the “Night Before Christmas” and lights are not evil and not dangerous. Those who feel threatened by their appearance need to ask themselves why? After all, Santa and stockings should remind a person with a bit more cultural context of the generosity of St. Nicholas, and lights might call our minds to contemplate the comforting warmth of the star of Bethlehem. At worst, “they” are celebrating a cultural holiday marking a seasonal change that is quite apart from Christ at all. At best, the world celebrates in a vague sense of hope that natural virtues like being with family and cultural symbols that yield a sense of tradition and ritual will bring about an effect within them that goes beyond cookies and tinsel and transforms their hearts. Let’s build upon that hope that they have, even if they cannot put it in words beyond songs and stories of life becoming suddenly magical through a chance encounter with Santa or a midnight train.

We don’t serve anyone by telling them they have no right to celebrate at a particular time and in a particular way. We DO serve ourselves and them when we show with our lives how peaceful, deeply moving, and profoundly transformative REAL celebration is. Perhaps if some stressed shopper, swinging between worry mixed with sporadic gaiety, can say, “I want to celebrate Christmas like her, with true joy and anticipation,” they might also learn to say, “I want to celebrate Christmas with Him, the source of life and love.”

Give yourself permission to prepare. Permission to change. Permission to celebrate (for the full 12 days and 40 days of the Christmas Season!) Permission to love and to give and to appreciate. Permission to lift others out of their pain and present them to the Christ Child. There’s a difference between people who steal a kiss from Santa under the mistletoe and those who receive a kiss from the Christ Child on Christmas morning. Don’t worry about the mirage; embrace the reality given to us this Christmas and always.